Being in love is a most intoxicating and all consuming feeling and nothing else seems to matter. I had a plan for my life and part of that plan was that whatever happened my marriage would remain intact. I was convinced that if I worked at it hard enough it would all be fine and everything would be normal again. I kept shutting out that little voice in my head that ever so often would cast a shadow of doubt that my life was not going according to plan and I convinced myself that I had everything under control.
In the process of trying to fix something that was broken I was feeling emotionally, physically and mentally drained. I was putting band aids on in the hope that it would temporarily ease the pain and I kept wishing and hoping that things would get better. In reality I was putting my energies into something that was not working and was blinded to the opportunities that came my way. In doing this I was neglecting the other areas in my life. I was living a lie and was in denial. And then one day I was faced with the cold face slapping awareness that this was not something I could fix and it was infact something I did not want to fix anymore. I had being lying to myself all along about my life when infact I was deeply unhappy. I was devastated and thought I would not survive the loss. I would sob uncontrollably and then I would suddenly feel better. I finally came to the realisation that he did not fight for me. It is really hard to come to the realisation that you love someone so much and they don’t love you back. It was very difficult to deal with. This realisation also made me question my self worth. I was heartbroken and when you are heartbroken it is hard to lie to yourself and control how you feel.
But as time went on I did feel better and I started to get honest with myself. I had stopped lying to myself and trying to pretend that I could fix the problem. I had been waiting for a change that was never going to come. Though my marriage ended and that part of my life did not go according to the plan I had for myself, things seemed to work out for me in other areas of my life. Things I had been blinded to started to fall into place. I was becoming more creative, I was able to work on my business with no distractions, I was less stressed and I was actually feeling happy.
The emotional trauma of a marriage breakup is no cakewalk but I have come to terms with the fact that lying to myself and trying to fix something to make myself feel better was not the answer. I had been waiting and waiting a very long time and things just did not seem to get better. There was no point in waiting endlessly, when the decision was actually in my hands. While writing this blog I am reminded of this quote by marketing guru Seth Godin which seems so apt to what was happening in my life:
They told you to get your résumé in order, to punch your ticket, to fit in, and to follow instructions. They told you to swallow your pride, not to follow your dream. They promised trinkets and prizes and possibly riches if you would just suck it up and be part of the system, if you would merely do what you were told and conform. They sold you debt and self-storage and reality TV shows. They sold your daughters and sons, too. All in exchange for what would happen later, when it was your turn. It’s your turn.
It was my turn to make the decision, to let go of the fear of being alone. I had to survive the consequences of my epiphany. When we lie to ourselves we are also lying to those around us who love, care and support us and who we in turn love, care and support. Being broken hearted has enabled me to be my true self again. It is so important to listen to that little voice within you and rely on your own intuition especially in love and relationships. The truth is painful but being honest to oneself will inspire you to get out there and make a life for yourself.